This post was contributed by a community member. The views expressed here are the author's own.

Health & Fitness

"It is in giving that we heal ourselves."

There is a joke about an old Finnish man who is lying on his deathbed when a priest comes to his side, reaches for his hand and quietly asks, "My son, may I give you your last rites?" The old Finnish man looks him in the eye and says, "No thanks, Father. I'll do it myself." 

Finn's are noted for a mildly independent side.

Our family is part Finnish and no one was more fiercely independent than our little girl Lauren, who died when she was 6 years old. (She would correct me of course--"6 and ½, Mom!")

Find out what's happening in Dexterwith free, real-time updates from Patch.

When she was learning to rollerblade on the sidewalk in front of our house in Sunnyvale, Calif., crowned by her purple Barbie bike helmet and adorned in her pink Power Ranger pajama bottoms and white, off the shoulder dress from Mexico (embroidered with lots and lots and lots of purple, pink, and blue flowers, of course), her arms would wind-mill backwards while my husband stood guard behind her, ready to catch her before her bottom hit the cement. Yet when she caught sight of his hands poised to save her from a hard fall, Lauren would yell, "Don't touch me Daddy! I can do it myself!"

Once, when riding horses at my friend Angie's, Lauren trotted around the arena with only one leg over "Hollywood's" back, the other leg and most of her body dangling somewhere around the far side of the mare. Angie, spotting the impending disaster, tried to intervene yelling "Lauren? Can I help you?" From other side of the saddle, a little girl's sincere voice called back, "No! No, it's ok! I can do it myself!"

Find out what's happening in Dexterwith free, real-time updates from Patch.

Such was the constant refrain from our strong-willed little sweetheart in some of my favorite memories from a life that ended far too soon. She was fearless and determined to prove her independence, which never failed to make me proud.

Indeed, independence is a wonderful characteristic. But when loss occurs, it’s best if we can put aside the fierce do-it-yourself attitude for a while.

People surround us immediately after loss. There are those who politely send cards, come to the funeral and then quickly go back to their lives. Then there are those with whom we are blessed, those who are in the first tier or the inner circle. They come back with us to the house after the funeral and help clean up. In the coming weeks, they help with meals, drive the kids to soccer practice and write thank you notes for the flowers and sympathy cards. They unload the dishwasher and return the casserole dishes, fold the laundry and walk the dog and make sure the lawn gets mowed or the driveway gets shoveled. These are the people who "just get it."

We need these people in our lives to help us survive the many challenges of grief. Even though we may not be comfortable accepting so much help, when grief is fresh, we need assistance with the mundane tasks of existence, and that is ok.

Fresh grief is a demanding, colicky infant that wakes you from a deep sleep and drags you out of bed and forces you to sit around the table at a time of night when the lights are too bright in the kitchen.  Except this infant brings no joy.

We need help when grief is the new infant, and in the coming months as we begin the arduous task of adapting to our new reality. We need help, and our friends and family need us to let them help.

There is a great sign that we have in the kite network office that reads, "It is in receiving that we heal others. It is in giving that we heal ourselves."

So if you are reading this, and you are fresh in your loss experience, remember to put aside the piece of you that may be a bit Finnish. Allowing friends and family to help out is one of the many healthy ways we all begin to heal. And asking for and permitting ourselves to accept help gives us the time we need to grieve.

As for our angel Lauren... I like to imagine her in heaven, flying with her well-purposed wings, and doing headers in God's garden. I like to think He calls out, "Lauren! Wait until I get there to catch you!" I can almost hear her call back, "No! No, it's ok God! I can do it myself!"
We’ve removed the ability to reply as we work to make improvements. Learn more here

The views expressed in this post are the author's own. Want to post on Patch?